Fuck you, fear

Oh boy.

I sometimes wonder how people without anxiety disorders deal with stress and deadlines, people on our course for example. When it's deadline time, Max and Lizzie get so stressed, they disapear in their rooms for days on end, or they get really mad at a drop of a hat, and upset. But do they get anxious, like me? I don't know, I guess. Maybe that's why I'm so laid back, or atleast, why I appear so laid back, because when it comes down to it I'm too anxious to get as stressed as they do. But I am still stressed (the white hair is a testament to that).

I'm really worried about getting my projects finished on time, I still have one more comic cover to do, I need to finish my dissertation during Easter, and once those are done I need to ink this 12 page comic before our deadline. I think it's the 12 page comic that's freaking me out so much, but now it's the dissertation too. I was doing fine- was on a roll in-fact, till Catrin asked me to write about feminist history. Now I'm all discombobulated.

But I'm not going to start feeling better till I DO something about it.

One thing I learned during that panic attack a few years ago is that fear can paralyze you. I'd never known how powerful it could be till that moment.

Well, time to overcome fear, then.

I'm going to add up all that I've written so far, see how much I have left to write, finish up the bits I already have, write my conclusion, and then anything left can go on feminist history. Thinking that, makes me feel so much better and less afraid.

So let's get to it!

UPDATE: Well fuck me, I've already got 9121 words. I guess I'll just write my conclusion then, tidy up what I have, and then write some stuff about feminists... Huhn. Wow.

Opacity failings

I can't decide on the opacity on the daggers @___@ Which looks like like ice...? I don't- aaaah. I re-worked them a bit in the hopes of making them look mor elike they're made of ice, but it's so difficult. Who's bright idea was this, anyway?!

Okay, I think this just needs a little bit of tweaking concerning colours and text placement, but other than that... I think I'm calling this done. At least for tonight, I need to get to bed!

Why do I always make Ach so pink?

How the fuck do you make something look like it's made out of ice? Pfffffffff. Not like this, that's how. I'll try again tomorrow.

Yesterday night was so pants, despite having the heating on for about 7 hours, when I turned it off and went to bed it was so cold that I didn't get to sleep till about 5am, and then kept waking up because I was still cold. When my alarm went off, and I finally got up at 10:50am I went downstairs, turned the heating on and went back to bed. I got up today at around 2pm today feeling a bit better, but my back has been aching T__T But that's normal when I'm working for this long.

Well, lunch with Sunny tomorrow, and then back to dad's for the wedding on wednesday. I wanna' eat cake tomorrow!

TIME TO READ COMICS, YEAH!!!

Late nights

All I've done to this picture this evening is start colouring Acheron's hair, hah... I'm too tired to do much more. I've spent all of my evening printing out things and sorting out my P.D.P files, until my printer ran out of ink (which is when I started colouring). That's another 38 quid next time I venture out of the house...

I went to my dad's this weekend which was pretty cool, we ate a lot of good food and watched movies, and Grandma likes the dress that I'm wearing to my cousin's wedding on wednesday (she's just so happy I'm wearing a dress). I don't want to lose a day of work to a wedding, buuuut... I dunno', maybe I'll take some research and a sketchbook with me or something, I'll definitely take my laptop to Grandma's with me, that way I can work in the evening when we get home.

Before I forget, I finally remembered to scan this! Something I've had stuck in my head since I had that tooth out a while ago, I finally got it down on paper : )

Okay, I'm off to bed to read more D. Gray Man. I am so happy I've started reading this again, I forgot how frigging AWESOME it is! Oh, man, I can't get accross how much I love this series. I just- Allen Walker is so cool and- AAAAH.

Definitely time for bed, my typing is getting Godawful.

Snooooow

I don't think I can stare at this anymore today, it's gone so slowly this evening. Still, I'm really pleased with how it looks so far : )

For future reference, it's very hard to work next to a stack of comics...

As for the snow... dad thought it would be a good idea today for us to go for a walk. So we walked. In zero degrees celsius. While it snowed.

Yeah, turns out, not such a good idea after all.

I think I'm gonna' go read some comics before bed :0

Lastly, here, listen to this, it's awesome,

 

Variants

Things that I have learned in the last 24 hours,

+ Don't stay up past 3am reading comics.

+ Don't stand on one leg in the shower.

+ Late night doughnuts are the best doughnuts.

Right, now, I'm not sure which variation to use, top is the one that Chris and Sunny both liked, bottom is my personal fave. I'll start colouring this now, I'll hide the layer with the daggers and decide later which position I want them in... I'll ask around a bit more, I think : )

EDIT: Started colouring it, words can't express how happy I am with it so far! Aah! I'll probably edit Ach down the bottom there later once I have a better ref picture for him (when Max get's home...), until then I'll keep going.

I'll just pretend it's not almost 3am again...

 

Inspiration strikes!

Woodkid - I Love You.

Inspiration! Yes!

Let's do this!

Late nights and feathers

My back is made of PAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNN. I'm off to bed to read comics and sleep.

Bed is where comics are read!

Bed is all about comics and sleep.

For the past year.

SOMEONE FIND ME A GIRLFRIEND.

I'm forever rotating daggers...

I should really go to bed.

Boop

I wish I'd done more today, but I guess this'll have to do. Y'see, I wanted to work on my dissertation today, but my anxiety has been so bad that it's been incredibly difficult to focus on anything. I tried reading 'Art In Theory 1900-2000' earlier, but after I'd narrowed down the pages that I thought would actually be relevant to my dissertation I lost all of my motivation and decided that, if I couldn't concentrate on my dissertation research then I should try working on something else.

I started the fourth comic cover, which distracted me brilliantly from my anxiety, and once I got into it I really started enjoying it which was just what I'd needed, as I was starting to worry I'd wasted the day. I went back to my cover with Varis, too, and edited it so that you can read the text, woo.

Although now that I've stopped drawing my anxiety is back and at full strength. I'd liken it to drinking five cups of coffee but I've never tried coffee, but basically I have so much adrenaline running around my bloodstream that I feel like I could run around the block a couple of times. But I don't, I just wanna' sit here and do work, auuuh. Even writing this is difficult! I didn't eat lunch today because I was too anxious. But anxious about what? Auuh. And I know why, too, it's because I'm the only one in the house because my housemates are gone for the next week. And that sucks, not just because it's left me anxious, but because I know there's a chance that I might be this anxious when left on my own for the rest of my life.

Okay shit just got deep, let's stay on track shall we?

Varis cover,

And then the sketches for Suwa's cover, I did something here that I've never done before, I played with the position of the Persian style daggers, something that I've seen Chris do before (which I thought was really interesting). 

Although now I'm not sure which position to use... So maybe I've backed myself into a big corner, I dunno', I just know that the sooner I can decide, the sooner I can keep working on it, the sooner I can distract myself from this all encompassing fear of everything.

Still, better than the all encompassing melancholy of depression.

But only just.

London!

Okay so, oh man, where do I start? I won't put all of my pictures up here because there's a hundred of them, though they are up on my facebook. I'm not sure how many to print out and put in my research file! I mean, do I print all of them or just a select few?

Anyway, moving along... So Max, Lizzie, Laura and I went into London on Saturday! It was fun, hectic, mad, scary, stressful and anxiety creating but we did it, and we survived! We caught the coach from Norwich to Ipswich at 9:35am, went from Ipswich to Colchester, then Colchester to Stratford, and THEN from Startford to Covent Garden! It took bloody ages! Lizzie went off to 'Matt's Gallery', and Laura and Max walked off to the Huntarian to look at dead things in jars, leaving me to the purpose of the trip, walking around Covent Garden taking pictures.

Once I realised that nothing terrible was going to happen I relaxed, and I got some nice pictures, too, and gained a lot of knowledge about Covent Garden for my book/comic, and I found a really great place for Acheron's cafe! :D

Lizzie and I met up once she was done walking around the gallery, and I was done taking pictures, we walked to Forbidden Planet on Shaftsbury Avenue, Lizzie bought a little turret from Portal2, and I bought D.Gray Man volume 19 (which I'd been after for about a year and a bit), and a little Adventure Time travel wallet for my train tickets, because they were floating about in my coat pockets :0

We met back up wih Max and Laura at Covent Garden station and headed to Speedy's on North Gower Street where they shoot the outside of 221B for Sherlock, but we found Speedy's closed so after shome quick AWESOME GEEKY pictures we found a little restuarant for lunch, which turned out to be pretty awful. The guys got some Krispy Kreme doughnuts and we split, Max and Lizzie went to the Welcome Collection gallery, and Laura and I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum on Baker Street.

Welp, by the time we got there it was closed, so we took some pictures and headed back to the station. We eventually got home after a few hiccups, Laura and I ended up sitting on the coach back, and I noticed the time and pointed out that we'd been travelling for twelve hours, phew.

I got home at 10:15, showered, had soup, watched Samurai Jack and then went to bed.

I'd hoped to go and see Sue's exhibition, and we'd all really wanted to go to Camden, but alas, there was no time. I'm really hoping that we can go back after we've handed our work in, when it's warmer, so yeah, we'll see eh?

The End!

Technology! *shakesfist*

I was going to write up my trip to London yesterday, but I've come home to find that the charger for my laptop has stopped working, and it's Sunday, so I'm going to have to go out tomorrow and buy a new one.

This is the problem with working digitally, as soon as your computer packs up you really can't get much done.

Looks like I'm just going to have to read comics and play games on the PS3. Welp.

(Also dissertation reading and some sketching).

Until tomorrow, then!

Oh, and I think I've come out the other side of my depression : ) Good stuff.

*pink hair

Oh, bollocks

Well done Amy, you have successfully made a comic cover that is nigh on impossible to read.

Arse.

Fuck it I'll fix it later.

I can't believe it's taken me two weeks to finish this, Jesus, I'm screwed. That's the affect depression has on me, I guess. Maybe I should tell Glyn? We'll see.

You wouldn't think I'm actually in a good mood! Hah. I guess I'm just bitter. I'm hoping I've reached the other side of this depression, I've had some good news recently, my dad has a new full time job, my friend and I have made up, and I found an outfit that I've fallen in love with, it is perfect *__*

My plan for the rest of the evening? Eat dinner, call mum, play Prince of Persia, shower, go to bed. Then tomorrow, London. Yesssssssssss.

If I were a horse, they'd shoot me

Today I'm working from my bedroom floor, despite downstairs being much comfier I feel the need to hide away today. My depression has been worse these last couple of weeks, and a very strange and out of character email from a friend has led to something of a falling out, it's made me re-think how I act around my friends, what I say, how I express myself to them... And I think, because of my depression, I've been thinking a lot on the people that I've lost over the years. I can't stop thinking about them, and this friend that I am terrified of losing, and I'm finding it incredibly upsetting, to the point where I'm begining to wish harm upon myself. This is incredibly out of character for me, and I realise how unhealthy that thought is, but I think until my depression passes it may not go away. I gave it a think, and decided that if I was going to do it, it would be a lot more practical to just get another tattoo, I think that would sate it.

Meanwhile, work is very slow, when I'm this depressed inspiration is hard to come by, so instead of working on pictures I've been putting together my P.D.P, my references file and my Influences file and annotating it all. I think I'll spend this afternoon re-writing some of the chapters that I intend to print out with the comic covers I've been doing.

I'm going into London this Saturday with Lizzie, Max and Laura to recce Covent Garden, we're also going to go to the Sherlock Holmes museum, we're going to try to find Speedy's cafe for a cup of tea and a few pictures (it's where they shoot Sherlock), and then we'll be going to Camden for some well-needed down time. I want to stop by the National Portrait Gallery too, to see Sue's work, but we'll see. I'll ask the guys on the train on the way in. I'd like to see it, but I'm not sure about everyone else. I'm already nervous about walking around Covent Garden by myself while the others go off to the Huntarian Museum, and it's within walking distance. Anxiety, eh?

I'm hoping the trip to London will break me out of this depression, I love London.

Until then, wish me luck eh?

Welp

It took far too long to colour Varis's hair today.

Phew.

Herpa derp derp

I've done more to it than this, but it's taken me this long to realise what the colour scheme is.

Also it's 2:34am.

I'm going to bed.

And now for something completely different

Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to bang your head against a wall?

Yeah, me too.

Sleeeeeeep...

I really need to stop working so late, and maybe sleep more. I think I need to go over the colours of this later and just... mellow it out. Yeah. Hindsight is a wonderful gift.

Just incase you wanted to watch the stupidly long video of me colouring this, go here, derp, but be aware, you will never get that three hours back.

I had a crit with Chris yesterday that left me feeling disheartened, and really quite crap. It felt like I'd kicked his imaginary puppy, and he was taking it out on me and my work. Not that I make a habit of kicking imaginary puppies... I'm sure he wasn't that harsh, maybe I was just being overly sensitive, Chris is a really cool guy and he's just trying to get the best out of me, but for whatever reason I left feeling like I'd never get my work done on time, and that it probably wasn't worth trying anyway.

I saw my councellor today which was good, and on my way home I stopped by the comic shop to ask them if they had any comics that were very feminist in content. Welp, we got talking, I told the two guys there that I was writing my dissertation on the depiction of women in comics, and the guy that owns the shop dug out loads of 'Naughty Bits', some 'Strangers In Paradise', 'Love and Rockets' which I think is one Rob suggested to me months ago...? Maybe. As well as 'Charm School', 'Action Girl' and 'WOMEN, Out Of Line'. I also picked up the next 'New 52, Wonder Woman, volume 2'. Wonder Woman was £16.99, WOMEN was £9.99, and the rest he gave to me for free @_____@ wut.

He gave me.

17 comics.

Ranging between £2 and £3.15 each.

For free.

I-

HOW NICE IS THAT?!

I asked if he was sure a few times, I mean it's only a small comic shop, you know? And I told him it was a lot of money, but he insisted on letting me have them for free. He said it'd be educational, hahah, and that giving me the comics might be a good investment for the future, how lovely! Aah! What a nice bloke! He was telling me about these comics, because he's read them, and talking about the artists and what he thought of the stories, and he was genuinely impressed, and it really came accross, you know? I told him that one of my projects was a short comic, and he said cool! Maybe they could shelve it!

I was so chuffed ;-; I walked the rest of the way home smiling.

My faith in humanity and comics is restored.

So I got home, called my dad, called my Grandma and sang happy birthday to her, made dinner and then got back to work.

And yeah, okay, it's now 12:22am and I have a knot in my shoulder the size of Canada, but I feel better for it. Now I'm just gonna' sort my messages and then get to bed, I'm tired! I've got a meeting with Fiona tomorrow to talk about feminism, she's going to suggest some books to read for my dissertation, and then hopefully after that I can write a chapter to send to Catrin for friday. I'm hoping to get my dissertation done over Easter @__@ Yeeaaah!

O-okay, enough talk, sleep.

Blalalalalala

So sleepy today! I was watching Ponyo while I was working on this earlier, then I watched The Castle of Cagliostro while I ate lunch, and then afterwards I fell asleep on the couch @__@ Completely unintentionally!

That's enough for one night, I think.

Hot milk and honey, and something sweet! Then sleeeep : )

Alright, so!

I haven't updated here in a few days! Whups! I think watching Durarara!! while I was eating breakfast this morning really inpsired me to get some work done today, and I'm really glad! I finished inking and colouring the second cover (pink) and then added text, and then figured out what was going wrong with adding texture to the text, I hadn't rasterized the text layer, and then when I was adding the texture the opacity was really low, hah, so I did it! Wooo!

I'd intended for all of the colours to look different :D I really like the way the Durarara covers have been done, because unlike almost all other manga books, they're all drastically different. Lemme' show you,

They're so pretty! The first book has a textured cover, like thick paper? The second and third are shiny, and reflect in the light, and the third is textured again but it's kind've grainy, except for a ring around the middle of the page which is shiny (you can't see it on the digital copy, boo).

But anyway, very interesting : ) To me, anyway. Gosh, what else should I add? I've been so busy and distracted recently that last week I got into the shower with my glasses still on. I decided to roll with it, and then them up on my head, hahah... I usually see my dad on weekends but I wanted to stay and get work done, and I have so yeah, glad : ) Right, onto the third cover now :D (I'm gonna' put these up on DeviantART first though :D).

Listen to this and enjoy! (It's what I've been reading/watching recently, and it's awesome).